white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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