i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize