I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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