we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
