all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
