that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize