Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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