i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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