so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
