He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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