Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
