Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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