I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
