You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
