im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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