he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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