Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
