can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize