omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
