i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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