I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
