well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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