Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He shit in the fireplace
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
