I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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