oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
