So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize