Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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