She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
