Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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