shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
