They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Randomize
