OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
