if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
