onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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