Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
