i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
