I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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