I cannot find my penis.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
