CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
