Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
