If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
