Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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