Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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