Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
