just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
