I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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