Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
