so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
