You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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