At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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