She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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