I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
