i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who died my cat blue again?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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