If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
