apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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