Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't put those talents on a resume
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
