I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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