I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
