he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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