Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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