My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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