White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
