Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
