I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
