My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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