so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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